I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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