Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
