Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
you never un-have a 4some
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
