fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
