Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
