Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
