Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
