woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
