fuck your aforementioned shoe
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
