There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Im part way to drunk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
