Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
