dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
