my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Houston, we have a squirter
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize