I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
This house was built for laser tag.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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