Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
