When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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