I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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