Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
