Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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