I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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