Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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