the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
