Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
