Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
