i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dick very happy bro
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
