Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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