Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
