Your mouth is God's brothel.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
