Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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