You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
