Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
