I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
