yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
3 2 1 whiskey
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I still have a little drunk in my system
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
