just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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