I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
