I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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