My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Houston, we have a blender
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
