Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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