just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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