I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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