She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
