You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
