Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
People in love make me want to vomit
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize