In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
