I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
How external is "for external use only"?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
