yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
