I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
