I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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