I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize