She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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