Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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