Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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