How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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