we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You are a genius and a whore.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
