Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
