my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
